A Wrinkled Person's Website

The things people say

A small collection of things heard and overheard




The following are all true...

Man on a bus:

"It only really hit me that the feminists had won when this exceptionally pretty girl turned up to unblock our lavatory."

Female half of a mating pair of Ulster evangelists who used to live next door:

"Jim and I were both born Catholics but we became Christians about ten years ago."

Doorman at a Scottish Electricity Board regional office:

"Excuse me, Sir. The public aren't allowed in there. That's the Customer Service Department."

Billy Smart (legendary RN Master-At-Arms), speaking at a Fleet Air Arm station CPOs' Mess Meeting:

"I don't agree with spending so much of the Mess Fund on a chandelier. It'll only stand in a corner and no bugger'll ever play it."

Our son-in-law's grandfather (62 years married), when asked whether he took sugar in his tea:

"I don't know. Ask the wife. She knows."

Our eldest daughter, then aged seven (we lived in Belfast at the time):

"Daddy, William Smyth said a very bad word. He said 'Pope'."

Billy Smart again, this time at Captain's Defaulters. The Captain had asked who was making the allegation:

"Sir, I am the allegator."

Naval rating, having spotted an elderly, dishevelled bag-lady at a street corner:

"For God's sake don't let her see me — I never thought she'd turn up."

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