The Book of Kee-No

Here beginneth the Book of Kee-No.

1. Now it came to pass that there arose, in the Land of the Leprechaun across the narrow sea, a kicker of balls. And the name of this lad was Roy. Many were the balls he kicked, and sore distressed were the owners thereof.

2. And the deeds of Roy were known throughout the land. Yea even from across the narrow sea was the news brought to one Sir Taggart, a Knight of the Kilted North, in his wondrous palace by the Old Ford of Traff. And thus spake Sir Taggart, with many a "Hoots mon" and "See you Jimmy", saying "What manner of ballkicker is this?"

3. And his spies answered him, saying "Verily the lad can play a bit. Likewise have we seen that he puts himself about like a Whirling Bloody Dervish. BUT — and mark this well — he carries the Curse of the Short Fuse, even the very same that has troubled his race from generation unto generation."

4. And then spake Sir Taggart, saying "Nae prablum Jimmy. Such a man have I long sought, for since Cantona left I am beset by wimps and scoundrels. STAM? Dinnae talk tae me about bloody Stam. Away and ask this kid how much he wants."

5. And when Roy the Ballkicker heard of this he laughed mightily, praising Sir Taggart and saying "Behold, I am but a poor ballkicker, and Irish with it, but now can it truly be said that I have got it all wrapped up like a parcel." And straightway he took ship for the Land of Eng and the Gold of Rupert.

6. Now it came to pass that in that land the fame of Roy grew mightily. Many balls did he kick, and many foes did he slay. And hotly did he debate with the arbiters appointed to judge him for ninety minutes of a Sunday afternoon, saying "Art thou blind, thou ignorant and poorly-paid fellow? Show me not thy cards of many colours. Know only that I am Kee-No, the Kicker of Balls. It's what I do for a living. So pray insert thy little whistle where the sun shineth not."

7. And oft was he despatched to bathe while the waters were yet clean.

8. But also came word from on high that if there's one thing the people of the Old Ford of Traff really really like to see in the palace of Sir Taggart, it's a violent psychopath who can play a bit. That lesson did Roy learn and great was his profit therefrom. For it came to pass that for the might of his ballkicking was he worshipped by all the disciples of Sir Taggart. Yea even by Sir Taggart himself, who straightway awarded him fifty thousand shekels per Sabbath plus bonuses, and appointed him Captain of his Guard.

9. And they gave him the name Kee-No and chanted it at his every approach, for they were simple men and took it to mean "doughty fighter" and "inspirational leader." But they were sore mistaken, for in every other part of the land is it known to mean "evil-tempered, hyper-aggressive sod, spoiled rotten and way too bloody lippy for his own good."

10. Not only by the people of the Ford of Traff was he worshipped, but verily was the name of Kee-No revered far and wide among the unwashed legions of the close-cropped, tattooed and poorly shaven who have brought such honour to our nation.

11. And great grew the fame of Kee-No until at last was he summoned to kick balls for his native land in a Great Tourney to decide who should be the greatest ballkickers on earth. And to this end there was set over him one Mic Mac, of the tribe of Yawki, a race renowned for taking no bluddy nonsense from no bugger.

12. And straightway came Kee-No unto Mic Mac, saying "Verily thou art a Fool. I say unto thee that thy training programme is all wrong, for I am Kee-No and I know these things. What's more the beds are too hard, the grass is too long, the balls aren't round, my room-mate farts in his sleep, the porridge has lumps in it, and I want my Mammy. Each of these things is down to thee, O Mic Mac, for thou art an Oaf. Bejasus."

13. And Mic Mac gave answer, saying "Watch it, sunshine."

14. But once more spake Kee-No, saying "Verily Mic Mac I say unto thee: thou art a Thick Yorkshire Git, whereas I am thy Best Player and Only Hope, and can say whatever I like. What need have I for manners or for tact? I am the Brilliant and Indispensable Kee-No — just like it says in the Sun. By the way how much are they paying you? Let me know if you need a sub till payday."

15. And the wrath of Mic Mac was terrible to behold. And he rose up, saying "Indispensable my arse. Button thy cakehole, mount thy bike and get thee hence."

16. Thus departed Kee-No from the Great Tourney, waving but two fingers of his hand and saying "Yah Boo", "Nah-Nah-Ni-Nah-Nah" and "Couldn't care less." Which no man believed.

17. And soon thereafter it came to pass that the Good Lord, who had watched all this with a wry smile, fixed things so that Ireland won the World Cup.

Let us Pray...